You Have to Eat

I spent years trying to do the opposite. 

I sometimes still catch myself avoiding eating, as if eating is a weakness. “How long can I go without eating” it’s always been a game. But in reality it goes like this: How long can I avoid my natural body signals to the point where I’m in pain, starving, and my stomach is eating itself… THEN how long can I uphold this until my body physically shuts down.

My body has gotten to that point. I luckily have never had to go to the hospital, but have come closer than I would’ve liked. This all is very serious, too. This can go from a “skinny girl” goal of eating less to a full on hospital visit and your life on the line.

I ultimately used food to punish myself for how I truly felt about ME.

I know society is telling you otherwise, but you have to eat. 

Every day I see a new Tik Tok on how to lose weight, how to burn belly fat quickly, and how to stop feeling hungry. All of these tips and tricks may work the first time but ultimately these are considered to be different forms of disordered eating. 

It's a trigger for me to watch a Tik Tok on what someone eats in a day. I ultimately compare what I eat to their portions. I am comparing a girls food intake to mine who doesn't lift or train as much as I do. But I still get stuck comparing, which makes no sense. Her hunger levels are not the same as mine nor is her body type.

Luckily, I am starting to identify those lies that are told on social media. The diet that are promised to work, they don't. 

None of them do.

Body image and disordered eating does not begin with food issues.

It all stems from your mental health. How you truly view yourself and how you feel about yourself can bloom into something darker than you ever expected. 

I was so uncomfortable with who I was and used food to mask this. I used starvation to punish myself and I used dieting to test myself... None of these food alterations and limitations helped me love myself more. Losing weight didn't help me love myself more. Gaining weight didn't help me love myself more. 

It all stems from your mental health. 

It's not easy to get down to the day and exact moment of when you started using food to mask mental and emotional downfalls. I still haven't figured out how my relationship with food became toxic. But the journey begins with giving yourself acceptance to eat, to feel the emotions you have, and if need be; asking for help from a professional.

You aren't alone. No matter where you are right now in your life, there is a light at the end of the tunnel.