A Break

I just spent 4 days without any intense physical activity. 

I have to be honest, this is really rare for me. I don't say this in a "fitness fit, I'm better than you because I never take days off" kind of way. I truly have internal struggles with taking days off because of my sport, my goals, my body dysmorphia.

And to be honest, it was f*cking hard.

My body dysmorphia was loving it. My eating disorder voice was LOUD. I overthought food choices before I made them, I frequently thought about weight gain, I examined photos we took of me in them, I wanted to restrict my intake of food. It was exhausting, it was a battle.

But did I end up letting my body dysmorphia and eating disorder decide what I ate and how much I ate? 

NO.

This is huge for me. I was able to eat everything I wanted. 

Although the voices were loud and definitely caused overthinking and anxiety, I ultimately ignored them. 

It's been a few days since my last meal that I had trouble with and I look back and am happy with my choice. I know that I have had to work through a lot of struggles to get here and this was not an overnight fix, but damn it feels good when you arrive at this point. 

"Damn it feels good when you arrive at this point"

What do I mean by this? Of course I have days where I fall back into old patterns... I'm only human. But these are the things I have left behind:

- Tracking all of my food... even TBSP's of oil

- Heavy HEAVY guilt after certain foods

- Restricting food the following day

- Choosing food that I don't feel like because it's healthier/less calories

Less Activity = Worse Body Dysmorphia

Now with all of this that I have left behind me, I still have body dysmorphia and experience slight guilt... especially when activity levels are decreased or nonexistent. 
This trip was a test for me. I was in a situation of having to give myself patience and grace while enjoying myself on my trip. As a professional athlete, I'm expected to be in shape all the time. I'm expected to be healthy. I'm expected to go above and beyond. So as you can see... taking time off comes with a lot of mental battles and struggles. 

But I came out alive. 

I know this is dramatic but when you're having an anxiety attack, you feel like nothing is going right and your life is crumbling. 

I was able to learn first hand that my life didn't "end" and I came out of this trip not any less strong or fit. I'm not 10000 pounds heavier. It was very much in my mind. And after experiencing it all first hand, I hope you can give yourself acceptance to really enjoy the food you want and crave. 

You cannot gain weight as fast as you think you can and you cannot become unhealthy by a few food choices. Focus on FACTS and challenge yourself to remember this when your ED/body dysmorphia starts showing up.